People often have a tendency to idolize loved ones who passed on--build them up as martyrs. Grandmama doesn't need building up. It was always apparent to me growing up that she really was a saint.
The thing that's getting me tonight is greed. Grandmama wrote a little note to Heidi, my beloved baby niece (who I love to pieces.) It is a tragedy that Heidi won't remember Grandmama. Jake and Kalli's memories will be faint and few. People always told me that about Granny--Grandmama's mother. I wish I'd known her. I am so grateful I had as much Grandmama time as I had. First born. Twenty years. Sheer luck. You know, I still want more. The really exceptional people in this world should become immortal to keep all us sinners and naughty folk in line, happy, and safe. Guardians of what is right in the world.
She's still fighting hard. Breathing hard and sleeping all the time. From what I understand, she responded to very little throughout the day--if anything. The two words (I'm probably too proud about this) we got were "Love you" prompted by my and Abby's saying farewells for the evening. I got six smiles total tonight. Couple big ones--prompted by kisses, leg rubs, and "I love you's." No joke--I'm not sure I'm prouder of anything in my life. These smiles are representative of two successes: 1. Grandmama loves me and 2. I made her happy.
I have peace knowing both these things. I know it sounds morbid, but I really have prepared for this my whole life. I am a deeply, deeply compassionate person, but I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. Maybe it's my cynical and self defensive nature, but as soon as I know I passionately care for something, I prepare myself to leave it.
Grandparents usually die first. I lost my first grandparent--Grandaddy--when I was seven and I knew then that immortality was a lie. I've soaked up every ounce of Grandmama time I could. If I randomly felt like telling her just how much I loved her, I did. If I wanted to play cards ona Friday night, I'd call her. Abby and I had an advantage the other kids didn't: we lived five minutes away. Some summer days, I'd walk over. I feel like that's a pretty rare occurrence in this day and age.
She still is Grandmama--looking beautiful, resting, making an extra effort to smile for the grandkids.
I'm not sure it's hit me that this illness is not a spell. Her fading and departure are permanent. She's not going to see another show. No more Grandmama at Christmas. No more shopping for a birthday present. No more watching old movie musicals at her house. No more hand and foot. No more eyerolling at her husband. No more perfect little chuckles. No more prayers before bed. No more awards at church. No more seeing Grandmama at Friendship House. No more magical mashed potatoes. No more cards from her. No more hugs. No more kisses. No more voicemails. No more "I love my boo." or "I love dos." I will miss her everday probably as long as I live.
Maybe it's the shock, but it still just doesn't seem permanent right now. She is going where she belongs. And she's really handled it all incredibly beautifully, intelligently, and gracefully.
I really do believe that souls are separate entities from the body, at least at a certain point. I really do believe in heaven; I have to. Even if I'm not sure where I'm going after I die, I'm glad she is certain she is--and happy to go there.
Grieving's a process. I'm sure things will constantly remind me of her for quite some time. Lots of tears. But I'm so happy that her soul will be released from an aching body and that she will be fully restored and watching over me soon. I figure she'll take very, very good care of me. And if God does exist, I imagine she will be on his highest council. Vice President of Heaven--I like it. I'd campaign for that.
I've got the ring she gave me on my 16th birthday on my right hand. I love it, and play with it in happiness and sadness.
Right now, the name of the game is to keep going. Wake up. Get out of bed. Go to school. Get what you need to done. You can do this. Or at least you can try.
So for now, I'm trying. Trying for you, Uno.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Va-cays
I'm single, I'm stupid, and I'm going to travel.
Spring Break (tentative): Memphis roadtrip first weekend. Then NYC for a few days.
I'm going to London in the next year. I basically need to go either the last week in May, July, or August (but I figure it will be hot AND touristy AND expensive at that time.) Stellar.
Spring Break (tentative): Memphis roadtrip first weekend. Then NYC for a few days.
I'm going to London in the next year. I basically need to go either the last week in May, July, or August (but I figure it will be hot AND touristy AND expensive at that time.) Stellar.
Where in the world is...
Katharine Gentsch?
So, here's what it comes down to:
Cancun, Washington DC, San Fransisco, Bahamas, Maine
Thoughts?
So, here's what it comes down to:
Cancun, Washington DC, San Fransisco, Bahamas, Maine
Thoughts?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Oscar 2010 Wish List
This probably won't happen, but here's what I want.
Best Picture: Up or Up in the Air. However, I'd be content with Precious, An Education or A Single Man
Best Perf By An Actor in a Leading Role: Colin Firth--A Single Man
Best Perf By An Actress in a Leading Role: Sandra Bullock-The Blind Side
Best Perf By An Actress in a Supporting Role: Anna Kendrick-Up in the Air. But I'd be fine with Vera.
Best Achievement in Directing: Jason Reitman-Up in the Air
Best Writing for Screen: Up. Second Choice: A Serious Man.
Best Writing based on previously Produced Material: Up in the Air. Second: Precious.
Cinematography: Avatar.
Editing: Avatar
Art Direction: Toughie. Sherlock Holmes is the underdog, but I'll say it. Then Avatar, then Imaginarium.
Costumes: Young Victoria
Makeup: Young Victoria
Original Score: Up. UP. UP. IF IT IS NOT UP I WILL HURT SOMEONE!!! Michael Giacchino, I love you. Even if this score is oddly reminiscent of your work for Ratatouille. Which is even more brilliant.
Original Song: Crazy Heart--The Weary Kind
Animated: Coraline followed by Up. Okay, maybe tied. Coraline won't win, though.
Shazaam.
Best Picture: Up or Up in the Air. However, I'd be content with Precious, An Education or A Single Man
Best Perf By An Actor in a Leading Role: Colin Firth--A Single Man
Best Perf By An Actress in a Leading Role: Sandra Bullock-The Blind Side
Best Perf By An Actress in a Supporting Role: Anna Kendrick-Up in the Air. But I'd be fine with Vera.
Best Achievement in Directing: Jason Reitman-Up in the Air
Best Writing for Screen: Up. Second Choice: A Serious Man.
Best Writing based on previously Produced Material: Up in the Air. Second: Precious.
Cinematography: Avatar.
Editing: Avatar
Art Direction: Toughie. Sherlock Holmes is the underdog, but I'll say it. Then Avatar, then Imaginarium.
Costumes: Young Victoria
Makeup: Young Victoria
Original Score: Up. UP. UP. IF IT IS NOT UP I WILL HURT SOMEONE!!! Michael Giacchino, I love you. Even if this score is oddly reminiscent of your work for Ratatouille. Which is even more brilliant.
Original Song: Crazy Heart--The Weary Kind
Animated: Coraline followed by Up. Okay, maybe tied. Coraline won't win, though.
Shazaam.
Love
An email from my mom this morning:
I told G’mama that Dos loved her last night, and she responded, “Back at her.” I don’t think she has responded to much since then. Susan said that earlier in the day she asked if you had been there. I think she must have been dreaming about you.
That makes me happy.
I told G’mama that Dos loved her last night, and she responded, “Back at her.” I don’t think she has responded to much since then. Susan said that earlier in the day she asked if you had been there. I think she must have been dreaming about you.
That makes me happy.
Monday, February 1, 2010
2010
In an effort to de-funk-ify and be productive (this is me taking a break from homework, right now...) Here's my game plan (ideally.)
February: Bye Bye Birdie--Richland College
March: 5-7th Memphis for Laura's recital. 9-13th NYC. Shows: (Time Stands Still, Miracle Worker, Looped, Come Fly Away, Addams Family, Lend Me a Tenor)
April-May: Dirty Rotten? (I'm holding out hope until it's gone.) Complete year 1 of SMU.
June: Work at Dallas Childrens for four weeks, Bye Bye Birdie at Lyric
July: a) Joseph at Casa b) Study Abroad through SMU grant c) Montreal d) Live in NYC
August: Montreal, Start back at SMU
September: ??
October: Puppet Project at T3 with Bruce
November: ??
December: Sanders Family Christmas at the Bath House
Yep. That's my year. Sounds good.
February: Bye Bye Birdie--Richland College
March: 5-7th Memphis for Laura's recital. 9-13th NYC. Shows: (Time Stands Still, Miracle Worker, Looped, Come Fly Away, Addams Family, Lend Me a Tenor)
April-May: Dirty Rotten? (I'm holding out hope until it's gone.) Complete year 1 of SMU.
June: Work at Dallas Childrens for four weeks, Bye Bye Birdie at Lyric
July: a) Joseph at Casa b) Study Abroad through SMU grant c) Montreal d) Live in NYC
August: Montreal, Start back at SMU
September: ??
October: Puppet Project at T3 with Bruce
November: ??
December: Sanders Family Christmas at the Bath House
Yep. That's my year. Sounds good.
Day to Day
Yesterday, I felt like there was so much going on in my head that I was going to explode.
Today, I feel nothing.
I remember--after Brendan died--wondering when there would be a day when he wasn't the first thing I thought about, when I could drive by HPUMC and not think about his funeral, when I could see his sister in Chinese class and not see him. This is going to be worse.
I can't find a desire to accomplish anything. That, in and of itself, is scary to me. I thrive on goals and success. I woke up this morning and just sat. And didn't think about anything. And hurt.
My normal escapes (spending time with friends, watching favorite 90s films) are only sort of working. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for my friends and all they've done for me. Truett is seriously a godsend. Bayla, Kim, and Laura have all regularly called to check in on the situation, and people I barely even know have given me messages and cards. Loss is a really human thing. People get it.
That said, it's still something somewhat new to me, and I am not handling it well. My desire last week to live life normally and accomplish as much as possible is gone. Now I just want to sleep.
Sorry for the super duper angsty post. Hopefully normal Katharine will return shortly. Any advice on how to make that happen is greatly appreciated.
BTW--grandmama woke up after that last post (surprise!) she sleeps mostly now, but occasionally wakes up and smiles. Love that woman.
Today, I feel nothing.
I remember--after Brendan died--wondering when there would be a day when he wasn't the first thing I thought about, when I could drive by HPUMC and not think about his funeral, when I could see his sister in Chinese class and not see him. This is going to be worse.
I can't find a desire to accomplish anything. That, in and of itself, is scary to me. I thrive on goals and success. I woke up this morning and just sat. And didn't think about anything. And hurt.
My normal escapes (spending time with friends, watching favorite 90s films) are only sort of working. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for my friends and all they've done for me. Truett is seriously a godsend. Bayla, Kim, and Laura have all regularly called to check in on the situation, and people I barely even know have given me messages and cards. Loss is a really human thing. People get it.
That said, it's still something somewhat new to me, and I am not handling it well. My desire last week to live life normally and accomplish as much as possible is gone. Now I just want to sleep.
Sorry for the super duper angsty post. Hopefully normal Katharine will return shortly. Any advice on how to make that happen is greatly appreciated.
BTW--grandmama woke up after that last post (surprise!) she sleeps mostly now, but occasionally wakes up and smiles. Love that woman.
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