Blogging has become curiously intimidating. I think about it all the time--like, at least daily--and am always somehow daunted by the idea of returning to the computer and purging my thoughts out into the interwebs. But, to be fair, I have come really close to blogging and either been distracted by the enticing devil that is the Book of Face or scrapped a post that seemed too intimate, insignificant, or silly.
I don't really know if there's any point in catching you up with what I've been up to. In fact, I don't know if anyone would continue to read this at all. However, I've now had this blog for four years and keep coming back to it (sometimes--like today--with my tail between my legs after months of negligence) so I may as well give an update.
2010, as anyone who has read my posts from this year knows, has been an enormous struggle and landmark in my life. I turned twenty one, lost my grandmother, a great aunt, and my dog, fell deeply in love, and came two semesters closer to finishing higher education. (Did I mention that I lost my dog? I guess I didn't. Jackbear had been mine for 16 years--as long as I can remember--and we finally had to put him to sleep a couple of months ago. This has been particularly devastating over the holidays when I've returned to my mother's house and seen our bare, sad, large empty backyard with an unnecessary doghouse as its only decoration.) At any rate, many things that had seemed so unwaveringly constant in my life have disappeared and subsequently left me in a vicarious state--lost in its wake.
Fortunately, the old adage of "When God closes a door..." (and you know the rest) has been applicable in my life. A little over a year ago, a very cute boy asked me to go to a concert with him, only sort-of asking me on a date. Turns out, I was already invited to said concert by a dear friend, so I respectfully declined, but it marked the beginning of what has turned out to be hugely significant in my life. I initiated the next meeting--inviting him on a semi-platonic(?) date to a play, and we went (slowly and cautiously) from there. Through an excruciating dating/non-dating/we-were-too-chicken-to-call-them-dates-or-express-any-mutual-interest period, this boy became one of my best friends and, of course, in the process, I developed an enormous crush on him. We're talking bang-your-head-on-the-wall-I-can't-stand-how-much-I-adore-you crush. Fortunately, my feelings were reciprocated, and through a time of fumbling, giddy awkwardness we started to date.
Due to its overwhelming too-good-to-be-true-factor, I've questioned many times whether the level of my affection for him was out of necessity or just by virtue of the fact that he's just an incredible guy and a near-perfect (nothing's perfect, is it?) soulmate/companion. I have determined that it's the latter. I've never been particularly prone to dependence on anybody (my mother will happily confirm this fact) but I find myself if not increasingly dependent on him, certainly more attached. He's wonderful, and I miss him at disgustingly tiny intervals. We've been told regularly that we're vomit-inducingly adorable and I don't deny it. I never expected or really yearned for long-term companionship, but I really can't imagine my life without it now. All the mushy-gushy Gershwin ballads about 'never finding a love like this' or 'not knowing what really was until you' all apply here. I am constantly surprised by the broadening spectrum of feeling and emotion I experience with him and it's actually amazing. He is very much my other half, and I really think whatever-higher-being-is-up-there--be it fate or God--had an enormous hand in bringing us together when he did. I thought that the last love I had (prior to current boy--whom I have deemed "Manfriend") was it. He was a boy who needed some serious fixing, and like any self-righteous too-smart-for-their-own-good seventeen year old, I determined I was the one for the job. After putting up with now four years of this silly boy's shenanigans (he calls me after every breakup--as in this happened just a couple of months ago again only to have me--extremely frankly, I might add--tell him "too little, too late") that book is finally written and on the shelf and I am thrilled to bits to move on. (Although the moving-on on my part ended nearly two years ago...but whatever.)
Manfriend has filled a void that was crucial in my life. Until recently, I didn't realize how crucial that aspect of my life was. I yearn for things that are good--kind, gentle, lovely, beautiful, passionate. I tend to presume people to be ill-natured or boring unless proven otherwise (when I'm well aware it should be the reverse) but I really ache for wonderful people. And love. Grandmama fulfilled so much of what I needed--someone altruistic, good-natured, optimistic, unbelievably compassionate, and who unconditionally adored me--and in a non-one-generation-removed-Oedipal-kind-of-way Manfriend fulfills that. I think I would have fared fine without the role for a while--although the grieving of my loss of Grandmama still stings. However, seeing that kind of good nature in Manfriend has healed me--to an extent. I can't believe two such remarkable people have graced my life, but I am immensely blessed to have had one present at all times. Manfriend and Grandmama have many differences, and of course had vastly different roles in my life, but are--hands-down--the two most kind spirited people I've ever known. It's unfortunate that things with Manfriend really started rolling after Grandmama passed, because I firmly believe they would have gotten along famously. Manfriend, like me, is anachronistic in 2010. He and I both would have fared better socially (not that we're cast-outs/introverts--but our standards of social behavior/love of culture were standard) in the 40s. And so, I've begun this wonderfully healthy relationship with this perfectly marvelous guy and it has undoubtedly been the diamond in the rough of 2010.
School is still school. This year has been far less painful than last year (and that is, in large part, due to a) not being the new kid anymore b) ridding myself of an especially selfish/unhelpful/rude professor c) Directing and History of Design classes. I remain frustrated with taking classes I gain nothing from (which continues to be the majority) and dealing with narrow-minded perspectives (which I won't escape post-graduation) but that's life. I graduate in five months (and can't even attend graduation--thank you Cabaret, and I mean that sincerely) and then I am blissfully and terrifyingly free.
I taught all semester at Lyric Stage--three delightful middle school girls with an interest in musical theatre. It was one of the best (and most stressful) aspects of the semester but I loved (nearly) every minute of it. I can't deny my love for teaching.
I've transitioned into a different groove socially as of late (one that I enjoy.) After a year and a half/two years, theatre doesn't dominate my life socially as much. I can't avoid (and don't really want to avoid) overlap, but I don't make an effort to hang with the who's-who of 20-something theatre would-be socialites. They're good people, it just became tiresome with work(s)/school/I'm old/who knows. When things settle in a new environment and I have my choice, I prefer to have a select group of very close friends (who may or may not be friends with one another) and go from there. And of course, having Manfriend has altered things socially quite a bit--but singularly in a positive way.
I'm looking forward to next semester. I'm doing Flora, the Red Menace at Lyric Stage and Cabaret at Dallas Theater Center. They will both be challenges in their own way and I cannot wait for both of them. Graduation is growing closer and simultaneously I am becoming more afraid and excited about the next stage of life. Who knows where it will lead?
In the meantime, I'm just trucking along like the rest of y'all, better than just okay and grateful to have a largely fulfilling life with so many opportunities and glorious people filled within it. Hope you're all (well, if anyone actually reads this) enjoying a wonderful holiday season and I wish you a happy new year (six days early)! So long, y'all!
1 comment:
Love you, baby sis!!
Post a Comment