ready for the spring

Today was the best I've felt in maybe two months. I'm not fully 'back' (I'm smart enough to know that this is going to be a process and one good day doesn't signify normalcy. At any rate, I'm grateful for the good day.

My theatre history professor is magical. I'm seriously enjoying that class. Acting has become progressively less daunting, and I get to write a paper on "The Philadelphia Story" in Text Analysis. Life is good.

I told a classmate today that Grandmama's funeral was yesterday and she was appalled I was in class. Although I will still be grieving for quite some time, I don't need to miss class to do it. Missing class to spend time with Grandmama? Legitimate. Missing class to cry and wallow? Not legitimate.

That said, I did just randomly (and discreetly) start crying in acting class. But it passed and I went on. Maybe I'm an unusual griever. Hm.

Anyway, that's my day. In the meantime, I'm looking for a violin. I'm serious about learning to fiddle for next years Sanders Family Christmas. Anyone got any leads?

Pen Pals

I'm a letter writer (and a journaler, obviously) and less than a month ago I proposed to Grandmama that we become penpals through email.  I was planning on a standing date on Friday afternoons, but I'm still finishing crew hours for now and knew it'd be a month or so before I could actually see her.  The solution? Pen pals.  We already emailed a good bit, but here was her response to my proposal:

That sounds like a good plan to me. I don't do anything interesting, but I

always want to know any big or little bitty detail in your life. So mine

will probably be a "hello" and you jot me a quick note about your events. I

usually check every day. My exciting news of today was a trip to the

dentist. I did get a good report so I guess that counts for something.



Oodles and oodles of love to you, also. You're so wonderful, and I'm crazy

about you.

Grandmama

I love her.  Off to get ready to celebrate her life with many, many wonderful people whose lives she has beautifully influenced.  Smiling for Uno.

Totally Random, but Made Me Laugh

It's funny how people view you.  When I was with Grandmama, she always reminded me of Julie Andrews.
Beautiful without effort, put together, very clean, extremely humble, endlessly compassionate, and rather regal.

I was just chatting with my cousin on my mother's side on Facebook, and she said Grandmama always reminded her of Piglet on Winnie the Pooh..."i think i told your dad once she always reminded me of piglet:) soft spoken, always the peace maker."  Also, a strangely appropriate description.  She definitely deserves a real life alter ego as well as an animated one. 

Made me smile, either way.  Cheers :)

Today, i feel as though it might be okay.

Grandmama's graveside was today. As she wished, there was a brief service at Restland followed by a family gathering at her house. Strangely, I not only found myself at peace, but in happiness at both. Grandmama greatly disliked people talking about her or complimenting her. Today, we all could do so freely. That was strangely exhilirating and glorious. So, though goodness knows she'd prefer the service not to mention her at all (seriously) we have acquiesced her in a sense; this has become more of a celebration than a mourning.

I have to take a second to discuss my extended family. Grandmama, as supreme matriarch of the family, distilled so much love in each member of the family that we all couldn't help being incredibly close. I truly think my family is an anomaly in current times. How many extended families live in the same country or state--letalone the same metroplex? Furthermore, we gather for every holiday, birthday, set of Olympics, and girls game nights. Haven't had enough yet? Never fear! Head over to the Durbins' fajita friday. Otherwise, random drop-ins are more than welcome. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a family like I have. (Did I mention that this is also true to an extent on my mother's side of the family? Yeah, crazy lucky.)

One of the huge perks of my decision to come back to Dallas for Richland/the theater tryout thing was proximity to family. And considering how little time I had left with Grandmama, I'm believing that conversation at White Rock coffee with Wendy Welch was fate in more ways than one. This is also the reason moving to New York (whenever that happens) will be such a challenge.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the copious amounts of family time (and knowledge of absolutely fascinating family stories) regardless of circumstance.

I'm sure I'll have a post-service post tomorrow. Until then, I hope your Valentine's Day was as full of love as mine was.

Happy Valentine's Day, Y'all

I suppose it is sadly appropriate that on the day of love we recognize the life of someone whose life revolved around it. Grandmama loved many things--mostly her family--and today I choose to try to acknowledge that alone. I will celebrate her life and be immensely grateful that I had her in mine rather than mourn the loss of her. Twenty years is a long time to spend with someone so beautiful and compassionate; her loving ways were bound to rub off on me.

So, here's to the day of love and those who daily celebrate it in the way they live.

[No Subject]

I keep repeating to myself "Grandmama's dead" and it surprises me every single time. At the mall shopping for funeral clothes. The mall is miserable. Valentine's Day+All Star Game (and celebs roaming around) makes for a ridiculously chaotic north park.

Dad says this is going to become a landmark in my personal history and establish the end of my childhood. Ie "oh, that was before Grandmama died..." "Well, Grandmama was still alive then..." I believe him. It's still such a huge concept, though, that I'm having a hard time digesting it.

I think that's really the problem with all of this--even though she was really sick for three weeks (and it was literally all I thought about) I am still in absolute shock and despair. My body/mind have never had to deal with feelings and events this huge before. It's kind of terrifying. I'm a control freak. I'm a perfectionist. I NEED to be in control.

I really just need Grandmama to still be here.

All this said, I'm extremely grateful for blogging. Seriously, though. Writing is part of my way of digesting. Yeah, I'm spilling my guts out on the internet and yeah, you get a really intimate view of how I'm coping with this, but it's really helping me. When my parents were going through the divorce and I didn't talk about it, I was in big trouble. Completely lost and without control. When I started writing and talking and getting it out, I was able to rationalize and compartmentalize the events. It wasn't some giant overwhelming nebulous cloud of confusion and hurt--it was a story and it made sense. And then it was okay.

Anyway, all this to say I'm grateful for the www, the blog, and you lovely readers/friends. It is all really quite helpful.

Bandaid

My favorite person died today and I am absolutely devastated.  Walking into Grandmama's house without her there was unbearable--everything has Grandmama in it...the furniture, the family photos blanketing walls and shelves, the piano from the Keoun piano shop, her choice in artwork, the way the table's dressed, the note on the phone that is years old that says "We love grammy!"  It was so bizarre to smell her in the house but have my dad just say "Goodnight dad."  And that was it.

I really can't believe it.  I think in my head there was the sick Grandmama and well Grandmama.  Sick Grandmama needed all our love, prayers, and attention.  She was the Grandmama we could endlessly compliment without some retort or "No, you're the beautiful one!"  Sick Grandmama died, but well Grandmama didn't come back.

If I magically get cast in my dream role in my dream show this summer at the theater she and my grandfather have taken me to every year for as long as I can't remember, she won't be standing quietly smiling behind the rest of the family as I come out the stage door, prouder than anyone else.  I won't get anymore random "I love you" phone calls.  If I feel like I'm an awful person, I can't have the reassurance that the best person in the world unconditionally adores me.

I remind myself of this reality, it is like ripping a bandaid off.  Everytime.  And that cliche-d thing you hear people saying--a nightmare you don't wake up from?  Also applicable here.  I half expected her to walk into the room from her bathroom or the den as I sat soaking it in in her bedroom.  Nope.

I'm certain I've scared the dickens out of my mother.  Tonight was the first time in a really long time she has seen me cry; I could probably count the number of times I've been upset in front of her on one hand.  For a theater major, I am one of the least vulnerable and heart-on-your-sleeve people you will meet.  I never get emotional in front of others.  I hate it.

This reality is going to take a long time to sink in.  I have no idea when it will be okay--when I won't just ache.  I am certainly not okay now.  This is not okay.

Grandmama was absolutely supposed to be invincible.  I knew she thought she'd at least make it through the summer a few weeks ago...Grandmama was always first to hear of my mischievous travel plans, and I'd tentatively planned to live in NYC for three weeks in July.  When I told her this, her face dropped and she expressed how upset she was over this news.  I know she knew she didn't have a terribly long time, but I really didn't think she anticipated the brevity of the remainder of her life at that point.  She wanted me to stay in Dallas in July.  And the second I saw that face drop, I'd immediately changed my mind and resolved not to go.   Now, who knows what I'll do?

I am in dire need of some re-assessment time.  Who do I want to be friends with?  What are my priorities?  How do I avoid depression while not halting my life and obligations/responsibilities?  What do I want to focus on (theater? acting? family? writing? music? dance)?

Now is a good time to rebuild and I would like to do so healthily.  I can strive to be more Katharine-esque (in the first Katharine sort of way) but I need to stay myself.  Part of why she loved me is because I am so different.  I need to remember that.

The most important thing I can do is talk about her to the kids--Kalli, Daniel, Jake, and Heidi--and keep her legacy alive.  Everyone should be lucky enough to spend two decades with the best person on earth.

I love you Grandmama and I miss you more than anything.  I am sure you will be a stellar social chairman of heaven.  I am also certain you were meant to be my guardian angel and that you will do a flawless job at that.  Praying to you tonight.