You know what I've learned this Valentine's Day?
That I've been stupid and cynical all along.
That love is actually better than they portray it in the movies.
That bickering happens, but if you have someone you communicate well with and respect enough to sort it out, the result improves your relationship.
That a very messy and fly-by-the-moment girl can fall in love with a regimented, responsible boy.
That life is better with company.
That contrasting expectations are natural.
That plans will conflict.
That that's okay.
That if God takes away a certain amount of daily love you receive from someone, he'll give you an opportunity to replenish it in a new way.
That a terrible day can easily be turned wonderful if you have someone wonderful.
That even Katharine Gentsch (dos) can be a huge sap.
One year ago today, I was at my grandmother's graveside. It was one of the saddest times I've ever had. I wasn't having such a hot Valentine's day 2011 either, but this time around I had a smart, handsome man to cheer me. I feel imminently better, just by virtue of the fact that someone cares enough to have an interest in cheering me. I lost love in February 2010, but I found it there, too. (Bobby unknowingly first asked me on a date the day grandmama passed away.) Life goes on, love goes on. And, as aptly written by Richard Curtis and said by Hugh Grant, "Love actually is all around."
Happy Valentine's Day, dears. Hope it's as kind to you as it has been to me.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Gypsy and Queen Mum
Spending a great deal of time analyzing people who were born into/married a celebrity/performative status and initially didn't want it but then grew not only to accept it, but also to love it.
It fascinates me.
Thoughts?
It fascinates me.
Thoughts?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Back to the Future
I'm on vacation. And still, all I can think about (at the moment) is the future. I'm terrified for school to start again, but I'm even more terrified for it to be over.
What will I do if I'm not successful?
What will I do if I'm not successful?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
When God Shuts a Door...and All that Jazz
Blogging has become curiously intimidating. I think about it all the time--like, at least daily--and am always somehow daunted by the idea of returning to the computer and purging my thoughts out into the interwebs. But, to be fair, I have come really close to blogging and either been distracted by the enticing devil that is the Book of Face or scrapped a post that seemed too intimate, insignificant, or silly.
I don't really know if there's any point in catching you up with what I've been up to. In fact, I don't know if anyone would continue to read this at all. However, I've now had this blog for four years and keep coming back to it (sometimes--like today--with my tail between my legs after months of negligence) so I may as well give an update.
2010, as anyone who has read my posts from this year knows, has been an enormous struggle and landmark in my life. I turned twenty one, lost my grandmother, a great aunt, and my dog, fell deeply in love, and came two semesters closer to finishing higher education. (Did I mention that I lost my dog? I guess I didn't. Jackbear had been mine for 16 years--as long as I can remember--and we finally had to put him to sleep a couple of months ago. This has been particularly devastating over the holidays when I've returned to my mother's house and seen our bare, sad, large empty backyard with an unnecessary doghouse as its only decoration.) At any rate, many things that had seemed so unwaveringly constant in my life have disappeared and subsequently left me in a vicarious state--lost in its wake.
Fortunately, the old adage of "When God closes a door..." (and you know the rest) has been applicable in my life. A little over a year ago, a very cute boy asked me to go to a concert with him, only sort-of asking me on a date. Turns out, I was already invited to said concert by a dear friend, so I respectfully declined, but it marked the beginning of what has turned out to be hugely significant in my life. I initiated the next meeting--inviting him on a semi-platonic(?) date to a play, and we went (slowly and cautiously) from there. Through an excruciating dating/non-dating/we-were-too-chicken-to-call-them-dates-or-express-any-mutual-interest period, this boy became one of my best friends and, of course, in the process, I developed an enormous crush on him. We're talking bang-your-head-on-the-wall-I-can't-stand-how-much-I-adore-you crush. Fortunately, my feelings were reciprocated, and through a time of fumbling, giddy awkwardness we started to date.
Due to its overwhelming too-good-to-be-true-factor, I've questioned many times whether the level of my affection for him was out of necessity or just by virtue of the fact that he's just an incredible guy and a near-perfect (nothing's perfect, is it?) soulmate/companion. I have determined that it's the latter. I've never been particularly prone to dependence on anybody (my mother will happily confirm this fact) but I find myself if not increasingly dependent on him, certainly more attached. He's wonderful, and I miss him at disgustingly tiny intervals. We've been told regularly that we're vomit-inducingly adorable and I don't deny it. I never expected or really yearned for long-term companionship, but I really can't imagine my life without it now. All the mushy-gushy Gershwin ballads about 'never finding a love like this' or 'not knowing what really was until you' all apply here. I am constantly surprised by the broadening spectrum of feeling and emotion I experience with him and it's actually amazing. He is very much my other half, and I really think whatever-higher-being-is-up-there--be it fate or God--had an enormous hand in bringing us together when he did. I thought that the last love I had (prior to current boy--whom I have deemed "Manfriend") was it. He was a boy who needed some serious fixing, and like any self-righteous too-smart-for-their-own-good seventeen year old, I determined I was the one for the job. After putting up with now four years of this silly boy's shenanigans (he calls me after every breakup--as in this happened just a couple of months ago again only to have me--extremely frankly, I might add--tell him "too little, too late") that book is finally written and on the shelf and I am thrilled to bits to move on. (Although the moving-on on my part ended nearly two years ago...but whatever.)
Manfriend has filled a void that was crucial in my life. Until recently, I didn't realize how crucial that aspect of my life was. I yearn for things that are good--kind, gentle, lovely, beautiful, passionate. I tend to presume people to be ill-natured or boring unless proven otherwise (when I'm well aware it should be the reverse) but I really ache for wonderful people. And love. Grandmama fulfilled so much of what I needed--someone altruistic, good-natured, optimistic, unbelievably compassionate, and who unconditionally adored me--and in a non-one-generation-removed-Oedipal-kind-of-way Manfriend fulfills that. I think I would have fared fine without the role for a while--although the grieving of my loss of Grandmama still stings. However, seeing that kind of good nature in Manfriend has healed me--to an extent. I can't believe two such remarkable people have graced my life, but I am immensely blessed to have had one present at all times. Manfriend and Grandmama have many differences, and of course had vastly different roles in my life, but are--hands-down--the two most kind spirited people I've ever known. It's unfortunate that things with Manfriend really started rolling after Grandmama passed, because I firmly believe they would have gotten along famously. Manfriend, like me, is anachronistic in 2010. He and I both would have fared better socially (not that we're cast-outs/introverts--but our standards of social behavior/love of culture were standard) in the 40s. And so, I've begun this wonderfully healthy relationship with this perfectly marvelous guy and it has undoubtedly been the diamond in the rough of 2010.
School is still school. This year has been far less painful than last year (and that is, in large part, due to a) not being the new kid anymore b) ridding myself of an especially selfish/unhelpful/rude professor c) Directing and History of Design classes. I remain frustrated with taking classes I gain nothing from (which continues to be the majority) and dealing with narrow-minded perspectives (which I won't escape post-graduation) but that's life. I graduate in five months (and can't even attend graduation--thank you Cabaret, and I mean that sincerely) and then I am blissfully and terrifyingly free.
I taught all semester at Lyric Stage--three delightful middle school girls with an interest in musical theatre. It was one of the best (and most stressful) aspects of the semester but I loved (nearly) every minute of it. I can't deny my love for teaching.
I've transitioned into a different groove socially as of late (one that I enjoy.) After a year and a half/two years, theatre doesn't dominate my life socially as much. I can't avoid (and don't really want to avoid) overlap, but I don't make an effort to hang with the who's-who of 20-something theatre would-be socialites. They're good people, it just became tiresome with work(s)/school/I'm old/who knows. When things settle in a new environment and I have my choice, I prefer to have a select group of very close friends (who may or may not be friends with one another) and go from there. And of course, having Manfriend has altered things socially quite a bit--but singularly in a positive way.
I'm looking forward to next semester. I'm doing Flora, the Red Menace at Lyric Stage and Cabaret at Dallas Theater Center. They will both be challenges in their own way and I cannot wait for both of them. Graduation is growing closer and simultaneously I am becoming more afraid and excited about the next stage of life. Who knows where it will lead?
In the meantime, I'm just trucking along like the rest of y'all, better than just okay and grateful to have a largely fulfilling life with so many opportunities and glorious people filled within it. Hope you're all (well, if anyone actually reads this) enjoying a wonderful holiday season and I wish you a happy new year (six days early)! So long, y'all!
I don't really know if there's any point in catching you up with what I've been up to. In fact, I don't know if anyone would continue to read this at all. However, I've now had this blog for four years and keep coming back to it (sometimes--like today--with my tail between my legs after months of negligence) so I may as well give an update.
2010, as anyone who has read my posts from this year knows, has been an enormous struggle and landmark in my life. I turned twenty one, lost my grandmother, a great aunt, and my dog, fell deeply in love, and came two semesters closer to finishing higher education. (Did I mention that I lost my dog? I guess I didn't. Jackbear had been mine for 16 years--as long as I can remember--and we finally had to put him to sleep a couple of months ago. This has been particularly devastating over the holidays when I've returned to my mother's house and seen our bare, sad, large empty backyard with an unnecessary doghouse as its only decoration.) At any rate, many things that had seemed so unwaveringly constant in my life have disappeared and subsequently left me in a vicarious state--lost in its wake.
Fortunately, the old adage of "When God closes a door..." (and you know the rest) has been applicable in my life. A little over a year ago, a very cute boy asked me to go to a concert with him, only sort-of asking me on a date. Turns out, I was already invited to said concert by a dear friend, so I respectfully declined, but it marked the beginning of what has turned out to be hugely significant in my life. I initiated the next meeting--inviting him on a semi-platonic(?) date to a play, and we went (slowly and cautiously) from there. Through an excruciating dating/non-dating/we-were-too-chicken-to-call-them-dates-or-express-any-mutual-interest period, this boy became one of my best friends and, of course, in the process, I developed an enormous crush on him. We're talking bang-your-head-on-the-wall-I-can't-stand-how-much-I-adore-you crush. Fortunately, my feelings were reciprocated, and through a time of fumbling, giddy awkwardness we started to date.
Due to its overwhelming too-good-to-be-true-factor, I've questioned many times whether the level of my affection for him was out of necessity or just by virtue of the fact that he's just an incredible guy and a near-perfect (nothing's perfect, is it?) soulmate/companion. I have determined that it's the latter. I've never been particularly prone to dependence on anybody (my mother will happily confirm this fact) but I find myself if not increasingly dependent on him, certainly more attached. He's wonderful, and I miss him at disgustingly tiny intervals. We've been told regularly that we're vomit-inducingly adorable and I don't deny it. I never expected or really yearned for long-term companionship, but I really can't imagine my life without it now. All the mushy-gushy Gershwin ballads about 'never finding a love like this' or 'not knowing what really was until you' all apply here. I am constantly surprised by the broadening spectrum of feeling and emotion I experience with him and it's actually amazing. He is very much my other half, and I really think whatever-higher-being-is-up-there--be it fate or God--had an enormous hand in bringing us together when he did. I thought that the last love I had (prior to current boy--whom I have deemed "Manfriend") was it. He was a boy who needed some serious fixing, and like any self-righteous too-smart-for-their-own-good seventeen year old, I determined I was the one for the job. After putting up with now four years of this silly boy's shenanigans (he calls me after every breakup--as in this happened just a couple of months ago again only to have me--extremely frankly, I might add--tell him "too little, too late") that book is finally written and on the shelf and I am thrilled to bits to move on. (Although the moving-on on my part ended nearly two years ago...but whatever.)
Manfriend has filled a void that was crucial in my life. Until recently, I didn't realize how crucial that aspect of my life was. I yearn for things that are good--kind, gentle, lovely, beautiful, passionate. I tend to presume people to be ill-natured or boring unless proven otherwise (when I'm well aware it should be the reverse) but I really ache for wonderful people. And love. Grandmama fulfilled so much of what I needed--someone altruistic, good-natured, optimistic, unbelievably compassionate, and who unconditionally adored me--and in a non-one-generation-removed-Oedipal-kind-of-way Manfriend fulfills that. I think I would have fared fine without the role for a while--although the grieving of my loss of Grandmama still stings. However, seeing that kind of good nature in Manfriend has healed me--to an extent. I can't believe two such remarkable people have graced my life, but I am immensely blessed to have had one present at all times. Manfriend and Grandmama have many differences, and of course had vastly different roles in my life, but are--hands-down--the two most kind spirited people I've ever known. It's unfortunate that things with Manfriend really started rolling after Grandmama passed, because I firmly believe they would have gotten along famously. Manfriend, like me, is anachronistic in 2010. He and I both would have fared better socially (not that we're cast-outs/introverts--but our standards of social behavior/love of culture were standard) in the 40s. And so, I've begun this wonderfully healthy relationship with this perfectly marvelous guy and it has undoubtedly been the diamond in the rough of 2010.
School is still school. This year has been far less painful than last year (and that is, in large part, due to a) not being the new kid anymore b) ridding myself of an especially selfish/unhelpful/rude professor c) Directing and History of Design classes. I remain frustrated with taking classes I gain nothing from (which continues to be the majority) and dealing with narrow-minded perspectives (which I won't escape post-graduation) but that's life. I graduate in five months (and can't even attend graduation--thank you Cabaret, and I mean that sincerely) and then I am blissfully and terrifyingly free.
I taught all semester at Lyric Stage--three delightful middle school girls with an interest in musical theatre. It was one of the best (and most stressful) aspects of the semester but I loved (nearly) every minute of it. I can't deny my love for teaching.
I've transitioned into a different groove socially as of late (one that I enjoy.) After a year and a half/two years, theatre doesn't dominate my life socially as much. I can't avoid (and don't really want to avoid) overlap, but I don't make an effort to hang with the who's-who of 20-something theatre would-be socialites. They're good people, it just became tiresome with work(s)/school/I'm old/who knows. When things settle in a new environment and I have my choice, I prefer to have a select group of very close friends (who may or may not be friends with one another) and go from there. And of course, having Manfriend has altered things socially quite a bit--but singularly in a positive way.
I'm looking forward to next semester. I'm doing Flora, the Red Menace at Lyric Stage and Cabaret at Dallas Theater Center. They will both be challenges in their own way and I cannot wait for both of them. Graduation is growing closer and simultaneously I am becoming more afraid and excited about the next stage of life. Who knows where it will lead?
In the meantime, I'm just trucking along like the rest of y'all, better than just okay and grateful to have a largely fulfilling life with so many opportunities and glorious people filled within it. Hope you're all (well, if anyone actually reads this) enjoying a wonderful holiday season and I wish you a happy new year (six days early)! So long, y'all!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Some Perspective
I graduate May 14, 2010.
Fall break is in 2 weeks.
Thanksgiving Break is in 1.5 months. Then, I basically have 1 week of school until winter break. for 1.5 months.
When I come back, I essentially have 3.5 months until I'm done.
And then I'm done. I'm not planning for the next semester. I'm not buying five-star notebooks. I'm not planning what tedious classes that have no relevance to my career/life but are necessary to graduate from university I need to take. I can do musical theater freely. I can travel. I can keep the thousand odd-jobs I have now but make them my life--expand on them and add on more.
I am terrified of being financially independent. I'm terrified of beginning a career. But, I'm also ecstatic to be free to try the things I've been wanting to do for about 6 years now. (My high school advisor/second mother Beth Wortley joked that I was ready to graduate from college when I was a junior in high school.)
I can't wait.
Fall break is in 2 weeks.
Thanksgiving Break is in 1.5 months. Then, I basically have 1 week of school until winter break. for 1.5 months.
When I come back, I essentially have 3.5 months until I'm done.
And then I'm done. I'm not planning for the next semester. I'm not buying five-star notebooks. I'm not planning what tedious classes that have no relevance to my career/life but are necessary to graduate from university I need to take. I can do musical theater freely. I can travel. I can keep the thousand odd-jobs I have now but make them my life--expand on them and add on more.
I am terrified of being financially independent. I'm terrified of beginning a career. But, I'm also ecstatic to be free to try the things I've been wanting to do for about 6 years now. (My high school advisor/second mother Beth Wortley joked that I was ready to graduate from college when I was a junior in high school.)
I can't wait.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I am not Happy
I need to seriously consider scheduling some time for me to have a life/take time to do things that make me happy. I'm driving myself crazy (and sick) and I'm too young for these shenanigans.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Why Can't We Be Friends?
Our Town rehearsal last night: tucked away in my dark, tiny soundboard nook impatiently waiting my 5 total sound cues (which all occur within a span of approximately 7 minutes.) We're on break; I check facebook. I chat with a classmate whom I love and respect. We do a little catchup (since there's not much time for socializing during the class day) and he asks me about the shows I'm in. I answer. I ask him if he's ready for his audition at a local professional theater (which he'd mentioned he was going to a few weeks ago.) He says, "Nah. I think I'm going on vacation with my dad instead. Besides, (insert professional theater here) sucks. Until I see something that changes my mind, I maintain my opinion about Dallas theater." (Subtext: Dallas theater sucks.)
Now, there is a lot of bad theater in town. But there's also a lot of good theater. I've done 22 shows here in the past two years. The Dallas theater community is wonderful, supportive, and an excellent place to learn professionalism/basic aspects of theater. In fact, I find a lot of Dallas theater to be really exceptional. For instance, last week I performed My Fair Lady at Lyric Stage with a 38 piece orchestra (larger than the original Broadway orchestra) playing the original orchestrations. It seems Uptown Players is constantly premiering some play or musical and one-upping themselves in terms of quality. There are oodles of smaller theater groups (Broken Gears, Amphibian, Nouveau 47, Echo (and all the groups at the Bath House) putting out great new work. --this theater student had never been to any of these spaces. There is a mentality at school that the only real theaters are the Theater Center and Kitchen Dog Theater. Oh, and Undermain. These theaters also do great work, but they aren't the only theaters in Dallas.
I'm constantly struggling with the balance between creating "art" and commercialism. Theater here singularly advocates "art." This excludes most Dallas theater and generally all musicals. Strangely, though musicals are a more commercially viable subset of theater, I find musical theater to be more artistically successful than most plays I've seen. I have seen a very minimal number of plays that moved me in any way. Whereas oftentimes musical theater gets flack for being egotistical/perform-y, I find it's straight theatre that often gets too big for its britches in terms of lofty didactic attempts at life-altering work. I think my problem is that most of the time, I just want to be entertained. Incidentally, most of America just wants to be entertained. Subsequently, I think I may have an easier time making a career out of being someone who does musical theater than my peers who are only interested in "art"/straight theatre.
That said, I understand that I am in a program where we study plays. Only. I came here for a reason. Acting is my weakest suit, and I knew I could gain a larger quantity of knowledge of technical theatre/design than I could in any musical theatre program. As someone who aspires to direct, this is imperative. Do I anticipate directing many plays? No. I want to direct musicals. But there aren't any undergrad musical theatre directing programs. Plus, our new head of the department is a bloody genius and brilliant director, so I turn worshippy disciple of the almighty Stan every Tuesday and Thursday in Directing class.
All this goes to say that I think we'd all be happier if we got along, supported each other, and allowed some room for less lofty/more entertaining "art." In the lyrics of the band War, "Why can't we be friends?"
Now, there is a lot of bad theater in town. But there's also a lot of good theater. I've done 22 shows here in the past two years. The Dallas theater community is wonderful, supportive, and an excellent place to learn professionalism/basic aspects of theater. In fact, I find a lot of Dallas theater to be really exceptional. For instance, last week I performed My Fair Lady at Lyric Stage with a 38 piece orchestra (larger than the original Broadway orchestra) playing the original orchestrations. It seems Uptown Players is constantly premiering some play or musical and one-upping themselves in terms of quality. There are oodles of smaller theater groups (Broken Gears, Amphibian, Nouveau 47, Echo (and all the groups at the Bath House) putting out great new work. --this theater student had never been to any of these spaces. There is a mentality at school that the only real theaters are the Theater Center and Kitchen Dog Theater. Oh, and Undermain. These theaters also do great work, but they aren't the only theaters in Dallas.
I'm constantly struggling with the balance between creating "art" and commercialism. Theater here singularly advocates "art." This excludes most Dallas theater and generally all musicals. Strangely, though musicals are a more commercially viable subset of theater, I find musical theater to be more artistically successful than most plays I've seen. I have seen a very minimal number of plays that moved me in any way. Whereas oftentimes musical theater gets flack for being egotistical/perform-y, I find it's straight theatre that often gets too big for its britches in terms of lofty didactic attempts at life-altering work. I think my problem is that most of the time, I just want to be entertained. Incidentally, most of America just wants to be entertained. Subsequently, I think I may have an easier time making a career out of being someone who does musical theater than my peers who are only interested in "art"/straight theatre.
That said, I understand that I am in a program where we study plays. Only. I came here for a reason. Acting is my weakest suit, and I knew I could gain a larger quantity of knowledge of technical theatre/design than I could in any musical theatre program. As someone who aspires to direct, this is imperative. Do I anticipate directing many plays? No. I want to direct musicals. But there aren't any undergrad musical theatre directing programs. Plus, our new head of the department is a bloody genius and brilliant director, so I turn worshippy disciple of the almighty Stan every Tuesday and Thursday in Directing class.
All this goes to say that I think we'd all be happier if we got along, supported each other, and allowed some room for less lofty/more entertaining "art." In the lyrics of the band War, "Why can't we be friends?"
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