A lot.
I'm spending my day camped out at White Rock working on my last paper and Final of my junior year of college. (And really, how crazy is that?) If you've been following for more than a month, you know how obscenely trying this semester has been. If you've been following for all four years of the blog, you know that 2010 was pretty much the worst year I've had. Ever. But, if you've been following for more than a month, you may have noticed that I've started to get my groove back. I have never been as unhappy as I was December-mid March, but I'm finally really starting to heal. I finally feel like myself again.
In fact, remember that time in February I wrote a blog post that was an open letter to the year 2010 and its suckage? You can go to the right-side toolbar and click on February's posts, or you can just read it copied here:
Dear 2010,
Why do you loathe me? I came to you with an open attitude and a really fantastic 2009. 2010 was supposed to be a magical year--it contains the second run of Sanders Family Christmas, great job offers, and my 21st birthday. Why do you insist on hatin' on me and bringing me down? You took away my favorite person who made everything better. You dumped a colossal pile of grief on me and expected me to know how to deal with it. I do not. I cry at unexpected times, I don't know who to talk to, and I constantly feel physically exhuasted. My best friends do not live in Dallas. I'm spending large quantities of time on projects that are not helping me grow but I still have minimal faith in my talents. I need things to change. I have been patient and allowed you two months of absolute crap. That is one sixth of the time I have with you. Man up, yo. Improve. Seriously, my sanity needs it.
Most sincerely,
Katharine
2010, we are not completely back on good terms, but boy you have certainly made a valiant effort to regain (or gain for the first time, I suppose) my hope and affection. And thus, some amendments. Or a new letter.
Dear 2010,
I appreciate your commendable effort to make up for your first quarter of supreme downright suckiness. I still have not and will not forgive you for taking away my favorite person in the world (at a particularly inconvenient time) and for expecting me to know how to deal with it. I don't think anyone can be "good" at dealing with grief, but if nothing else, that experience taught me how to deal with grief better. I have matured, grown, and learned at a crazy-accelerated pace this year and that is not necessarily a bad thing. It means I'm becoming an adult. That seems to happen to people. I still have best friends in New York, Memphis, and Philly, but I now also have the most beautiful, compassionate, and wonderful pool of best friends in Dallas. I love them more than I can express and I am so lucky to have found them (and have them tolerate all of my passions and quirks!) You have also recently given me a project that completely restores my faith in my career and even a bit in my abilities within said career. My desire to learn and challenge myself and succeed is back. Getting out of bed is no longer analogous to climbing Mount Everest. I look forward to the next day and many things within it. I love my family and I love my friends. I miss Grandmama; that won't change. But as I grow up and lose bits of my family, I am finding more and more of my chosen family that help heal the little punctures in my heart. Thus, 2010, we might be okay. Keep up the good work.
A bit more affectionately,
Katharine
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