It's my Last First Day of School

After some unfortunate tossing and turning and utterly failed attempts at going to bed early, I’ve resigned to finally blog away the insomnia.  I’m back.  At lot has happened since I’ve written last and I’ve thought about posting on many occasions.  However, given the reaction over the ever infamous “Spring Cleaning and Such” post half chronicling my late grandmother’s then declining health and the debacle over classes vs. outside shows at SMU, I have feared posting anything.  It’s a really delicate and fine balance between being honest and saying what you want to say, and overstepping boundaries/offending people unnecessarily.  Another quandary I’ve had is that so much of the time since I last wrote has been spent with a person who has completely altered my life and I haven’t quite decided how much I want to share of our life.  (Our, as in a “we.”  Yeah, we’re already to that point.)  I have full permission from manfriend (coined name of said person) to discuss whatever I want of our life together on here, but we’ll see where this goes.  I guess we’ll work backwards—starting with today (tomorrow) and moving back.

Tomorrow is my last first day of school.  I am petrified.  You would think that after many (20 or so?) first days of school the jitters would go away.

They don’t.

I also feel as though I’m in a particularly wonky position.  For reasons partially due to the fact that I had no earthly clue what I wanted to do (or maybe I did and I just didn’t have the guts to pursue it) when I graduated from high school, due to my aversion to Elvis Presley, and due to Wendy Welch and a rather eventful catchup conversation at White Rock Coffee, I’ve had an especially unconventional college experience.  This is the first year I have not been the new kid in college.  I was a freshman at Rhodes, the new kid at Richland/within Dallas theater, then the transfer sophomore/junior (shmunior?) at SMU.  Now I’m the junior/senior (jenior? Sunior?) at SMU and I actually think it’s going to be more difficult.  Maybe.

For those who have followed the blog over the past year, you know that this past year royally sucked for me.  It was undoubtedly the hardest year I’ve ever had in my life.  When you go through hard times, you aren’t always going to be quite yourself.

Side anecdote that relates. I promise.

I distinctly remember a couple of girls in around 8^th-10^th grade who suddenly became exceptionally catty and evil and unhappy for periods of time at Hockaday.  They alienated themselves by pushing away their friends.  In adolescence (and without any other experience), I assumed that they just decided to become bad people.  Not the case.  6 months or so later, these girls would inevitably subtly inform someone (who would kindly inform the other 100 of us) that their parents had just gone through a divorce.  When life throws you for a loop, you can become a monster.

I guess that’s what happened to me last year.  Or something like that.

Because I was somewhat “over” being the new kid last year (3^rd time in a row) and because I was in the purgatory of not really belonging to a specific class and because I already had friends in the Dallas theater community and because I was hellbent on getting my degree in 4 years, I decided to treat fall classes like a job.  And so I did.  I went to class, didn’t really bother to socialize much (but was by no means catty or anything other than amiable with classmates/professors), and went to rehearsal/went home.  Sure, there were things that bothered me about the system.  (The overpriced overadministrative confused bureaucratic establishment that is the American university is severely out-of-touch and out-of-date universally.  I’m currently reading “Higher Education?” because I heard an interview with the authors on NPR a week ago and just the fact that there’s a book on the subject makes me feel eons less insane for beings so frustrated with the system in general.)  Winter break happened.  I came back 2 weeks early to finish a practicum.  Was I happy about it? No. Did I do it? Yes.  No problem.  As Grandmama’s health declined, so did my sanity, state of soul, and overall disposition. (For those just checking in—Grandmama was like the ultimate hybrid of parental figure, saint, grandmother, best friend, confidante, role model, and beacon of all things right in the world.  We were beyond abnormally close for grandmother/granddaughter and her death taught me more than I ever wanted to know about grief and depression.)  So I entered second semester at SMU not knowing my peers or professors particularly well and then turned into a zombie (who regularly missed class to be with grandmama/the family) and then wrote this extremely frank and frustrated post about the way a school/show conflict was handled.  I was bound to make enemies (and garner an unfortunate reputation with students and professors I didn’t even know or with whom I’d never held a conversation.)

So, entering my last year feeling like Cady Heron at the gym in Mean Girls when she says the line (to the effect of) “You know how it feels when you walk into a conversation and you know someone has just said something bad about you?..Have you ever had that happen 100 times?” is not particularly appealing or inviting.  Is it my fault?  To an extent.  Is it anyone else’s?  Nope.  Fate and awful circumstances’?  Absolutely.  I guess I’m back to the mindset of treating school like my job (which it is, really) and trying to jump through the hoops as unscathed as possible.

Backtracking a bit?  I had a fantastic and obscenely busy summer.  In June, I dance captained Bye Bye Birdie at Lyric Stage (and played a teen/the sad girl in “Happy Face”) and taught/choreographed  Lyric’s kids production of Bye Bye Birdie.  Was doing Bye Bye Birdie 3 times in 6 months the smartest idea? I mean, not really.  I could definitely use a bit of a break from the show.  Was it worth it? Absolutely.  It was worth it for a multitude of reasons.  (I got to meet Charles Strouse—composer of the show!) Lyric Stage is—without a doubt—one of the best places to work in Dallas.  For my interests and passions, it fits like a glove.  Their goal is to preserve the great American musical in the manner it was first performed.  I think that’s the most glorious mission I’ve ever heard in my life.  I’m one of the few 21 year olds (oh yeah! I turned 21!) I know who would take a Rodgers and Hammerstein show over RENT any day of the week.  (And I just watched Broadway: The Golden Age and cursed the world for not being born 60 years ago.)  I lament the loss of charisma and storytelling dancing (it’s not all lost—Andy Blakenbeuhler’s (sp?) choreograph in In the Heights functions as contemporary Agnes de Mille-style ballets) and variations and color in voices. –For instance, manfriend and I were watching My Fair Lady tonight. Nobody sounds like Marni Nixon nowadays.  In fact, I don’t think Marni Nixon could get a job today.  But back in the day she dubbed over oodles of movie-musical stars. Being slightly off pitch and having a different sound a la Bernadette, Elaine, Ethel, Carol Channing, or any of the greats is shunned—unless you already developed a strong reputation when that was okay and honored.  I digress.  At any rate, it was a great experience.  Our glorious choreographer toured with 42^nd Street (the original tour) and taught me the original B’way choreography on breaks and our rehearsal pianist gave me mini-lessons on accompanying and reading scores.  Dance Captaining was a new and exciting challenge; it was an overall education.

July was frustrating in many ways, but it was also an education in its own right.  I moved out of my glorious apartment and moved home, turned 21, taught 8 year olds all month at the Dallas Children’s Theater, and played Anytime Annie in 42^nd Street at GSM.  Most of these events were insanely trying, but I’m glad to have survived them.

August has been blissful.  I had two weeks—one in Destin, one in NYC/Boston—of beautiful vacation with family and manfriend (respectively) and then returned to the sweltering heat in Big D.  I taught one more week at the children’s theater, and started My Fair Lady at Lyric Stage.  Again, working at Lyric is bliss and serving as dance captain is fantastic.  I’m not in too much of the show (for women, it’s basically Eliza…and Eliza…and…well, Eliza..) but I’m having a great time.  I also strangely started a shoe business (by total happenstance) but I am absolutely loving it.  Check out my website at www.kcustomkicks.com and shoot me a message on there under “contact” if you want more info/want some shoes.  (Shameless plug.)  I also (magically enough) got a new apartment that I absolutely love in a location very close to my old one.  I have certainly learned the value and importance of having one’s own space to function/think.

Now, I’m just focusing on maintaining sanity, goals, and happiness.  I’m gonna be like the little engine that could—I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.  Wish me luck.

I think those are really the highlights of what you’ve missed.  Questions? Comments? Concerns?  Wanna show some love or good wishes?  Comment, my friends!

Until next time—K.