Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tom Stoppard's "Travesties"
An artist is the magician put among men to gratify — capriciously — their urge for immortality. The temples are built and brought down around him, continuously and contiguously, from Troy to the fields of Flanders. If there is any meaning in any of it, it is in what survives as art, yes even in the celebration of tyrants, yes even in the celebration of nonentities. What now of the Trojan War if it had been passed over by the artist's touch? Dust. A forgotten expedition prompted by Greek merchants looking for new markets. A minor redistribution of broken pots. But it is we who stand enriched, by a tale of heroes, of a golden apple, a wooden horse, a face that launched a thousand ships — and above all, of Ulysses, the wanderer, the most human, the most complete of all heroes — husband, father, son, lover, farmer, soldier, pacifist, politician, inventor and adventurer.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Some Clarifications [Or Why I Love My Job]
It's a Monday, but delightfully enough it doesn't entirely feel like one. I wasn't jumping out of my bed to get to school or anything, but the usual dread and fear that accompanies my 7AM alarm wasn't present this morning. Baby steps.
I'm still trying to sort out my summer and a way to get to London in the near future. Let's face it: my obsession with New York is officially unhealthy and I desperately need to broaden my horizons. (Whatevs. I'm still going in July.) We know I'm doing Dirty Rotten Scoundrels in May (though I need a job-job for that month) and Bye Bye Birdie at Lyric (did I mention that? I'm really excited...) in June. July/August are very, very up in the air. I'm working all July at the Dallas Childrens Theater, but I don't know if I'm doing a show then. We'll know by next week. Definitely not holding my breath for anything.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is still going absolutely beautifully. We did music all this week (and some principles/all ensemble is entirely off book for all of the music in the show already!) and last night we began choreography. Last night was a glorious return to the post-dance rehearsal sweat and exhaustion. I loved that my body ached all over. I loved that my feet had blisters. I missed that feeling so much. This show is totally saving me. I am so lucky. Really, I am.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how suited I am to this lifestyle. I'm irresponsible in some ways as far as everyday tasks, but I'm extremely dedicated and devoted to responsibilities in my job. I love the rush of not knowing what my job exactly will be the next month (or if I will have one at all.) I love the competition. I love finding examples of what I aspire to be. I love being a chorus girl.
[enter tangent]
Friends and family, I know you think that having a role equates to something better than ensemble (and in some cases it does.) But honestly, there is little I would rather be doing. The ensemble is generally onstage more than each individual principle, they get to dance, they sing, they play a whole variety of roles in one show. They inevitably get to perform the best numbers in the show. This isn't saying that there aren't roles I want to play. Peggy Sawyer? Sally Bowles? Janet Vandergraff? Penny Pingleton? Millie Dillmount? Little Sally? Susan/Heidi in TOS? Kathy Selden? Polly Baker? Even roles I am too old for/almost too old for--Anybodys? Louise Bigelow? Liesl Von Trapp? Yeah, I could go on. I definitely have my dream roles. But if you notice...most of my dream roles are chorus girls who somehow got a chance. (And thus, I am enamored of just about everybody in A Chorus Line) People always ask me who I'm playing in the show...
"Oh wow! You got cast? That's great! What role are you playing?"
"Ensemble...Oh, but it's a relatively small ensemble.." (As if I have to qualify it.)
"Oh, well I mean, you're still new to theater and the community. I'm sure you'll start getting roles soon." (As if they have to sympahize.)
Guys, you totally don't. I genuinely love it. There are some theatres (cough, cough *Lyric Stage* cough) where I would be ecstatic to be fourth spear carrier from the left. (I mean, let's be honest, I wrote an entire piece on how excited I was to be third mask-wearing, squatting dog in The King and I.) So when people ask me what roles I'm going for, I kind of just laugh. I could maybe score some big roles I'm totally inappropriate for in not-so-great productions of musicals, but I would so much rather be completely insignificant in a fantastic, well-done production of a beautiful show. I am still new. I am still too young for most leading/supporting ladies. I still read 17. I still dislike my voice. (Yeah, anyone who's worked with me knows my complex about this.) But I also went to a hyperactive school full of legitimate geniuses, crazy-talents, and girls who inevitably will cure cancer and become the first female presidents. You're bound to have an inferiority complex.
At any rate, I am GLORIOUSLY happy to spend my life singing, dancing, and waving my arms about enthusiastically for the next three months in Dirty Rotten and Birdie. I don't really aspire to much more than the chorus (and all my SMU friends/comrades are probably wondering why the heck I'm in an acting BFA program now) as a performer. My dream of all dreams is to tour in the chorus or be in a b'way chorus. Life would be complete. And then I would live in some closet in the City and write and travel and direct and critique. (We're getting ahead of ourselves.)
Basically, I am happy just where I am. I still have to pinch myself occasionally and marvel at how lucky I am to be doing something daily that I passionately love. To anyone who reads this who had any part in this (I can't even begin to name you all...the list of people who have changed my life in the last year and a half--or even longer [Beth Wortley, Susan Hubbard, BonnieJean, Mr. Long, Mama Welch]--is endless...but you can refer to my Christmas thank you lists and you're likely on there!) thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate it more than I can adquately express.
I'm still trying to sort out my summer and a way to get to London in the near future. Let's face it: my obsession with New York is officially unhealthy and I desperately need to broaden my horizons. (Whatevs. I'm still going in July.) We know I'm doing Dirty Rotten Scoundrels in May (though I need a job-job for that month) and Bye Bye Birdie at Lyric (did I mention that? I'm really excited...) in June. July/August are very, very up in the air. I'm working all July at the Dallas Childrens Theater, but I don't know if I'm doing a show then. We'll know by next week. Definitely not holding my breath for anything.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is still going absolutely beautifully. We did music all this week (and some principles/all ensemble is entirely off book for all of the music in the show already!) and last night we began choreography. Last night was a glorious return to the post-dance rehearsal sweat and exhaustion. I loved that my body ached all over. I loved that my feet had blisters. I missed that feeling so much. This show is totally saving me. I am so lucky. Really, I am.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how suited I am to this lifestyle. I'm irresponsible in some ways as far as everyday tasks, but I'm extremely dedicated and devoted to responsibilities in my job. I love the rush of not knowing what my job exactly will be the next month (or if I will have one at all.) I love the competition. I love finding examples of what I aspire to be. I love being a chorus girl.
[enter tangent]
Friends and family, I know you think that having a role equates to something better than ensemble (and in some cases it does.) But honestly, there is little I would rather be doing. The ensemble is generally onstage more than each individual principle, they get to dance, they sing, they play a whole variety of roles in one show. They inevitably get to perform the best numbers in the show. This isn't saying that there aren't roles I want to play. Peggy Sawyer? Sally Bowles? Janet Vandergraff? Penny Pingleton? Millie Dillmount? Little Sally? Susan/Heidi in TOS? Kathy Selden? Polly Baker? Even roles I am too old for/almost too old for--Anybodys? Louise Bigelow? Liesl Von Trapp? Yeah, I could go on. I definitely have my dream roles. But if you notice...most of my dream roles are chorus girls who somehow got a chance. (And thus, I am enamored of just about everybody in A Chorus Line) People always ask me who I'm playing in the show...
"Oh wow! You got cast? That's great! What role are you playing?"
"Ensemble...Oh, but it's a relatively small ensemble.." (As if I have to qualify it.)
"Oh, well I mean, you're still new to theater and the community. I'm sure you'll start getting roles soon." (As if they have to sympahize.)
Guys, you totally don't. I genuinely love it. There are some theatres (cough, cough *Lyric Stage* cough) where I would be ecstatic to be fourth spear carrier from the left. (I mean, let's be honest, I wrote an entire piece on how excited I was to be third mask-wearing, squatting dog in The King and I.) So when people ask me what roles I'm going for, I kind of just laugh. I could maybe score some big roles I'm totally inappropriate for in not-so-great productions of musicals, but I would so much rather be completely insignificant in a fantastic, well-done production of a beautiful show. I am still new. I am still too young for most leading/supporting ladies. I still read 17. I still dislike my voice. (Yeah, anyone who's worked with me knows my complex about this.) But I also went to a hyperactive school full of legitimate geniuses, crazy-talents, and girls who inevitably will cure cancer and become the first female presidents. You're bound to have an inferiority complex.
At any rate, I am GLORIOUSLY happy to spend my life singing, dancing, and waving my arms about enthusiastically for the next three months in Dirty Rotten and Birdie. I don't really aspire to much more than the chorus (and all my SMU friends/comrades are probably wondering why the heck I'm in an acting BFA program now) as a performer. My dream of all dreams is to tour in the chorus or be in a b'way chorus. Life would be complete. And then I would live in some closet in the City and write and travel and direct and critique. (We're getting ahead of ourselves.)
Basically, I am happy just where I am. I still have to pinch myself occasionally and marvel at how lucky I am to be doing something daily that I passionately love. To anyone who reads this who had any part in this (I can't even begin to name you all...the list of people who have changed my life in the last year and a half--or even longer [Beth Wortley, Susan Hubbard, BonnieJean, Mr. Long, Mama Welch]--is endless...but you can refer to my Christmas thank you lists and you're likely on there!) thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate it more than I can adquately express.
“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” - Mitch Albom
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Well, hello again...
There's so much in my head right now I fear it might explode. This probably won't be a particularly fun post to read...mostly just a strand of thoughts from my head (that is overpopulated with information, opinions, fears, guilt, confusion, and dreams on a Manhattan-like scale.)
Here's what's new:
1. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels started. It is heavenly bliss every single night. I love the score, I love the production team, and I love the people. These are good people. Good hearts, great talent. They are keeping me more than sane. I forgot what it was like to be in a show...or to have a reassurance that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. In all honesty, this isn't really reassuring that this is what I'm supposed to be doing; I feel like I'm the least talented person in the show (there's a good chance this isn't me just being self-deprecating.) However, I haven't been as happy as I am in rehearsal in ages and that reassures me that all the drama to procure this show was entirely worthwhile. Musical theatre is real theatre. Dallas theatre is real theatre. Is it always good in either case? Nope. But SMU theatre isn't always good theatre either so everyone just needs to chill out and try being supportive. Mazeltov!
2. My toshiba (I have another not-so-friendly name for it...but we're not going to go there) from Hockaday that's 6 years old officially pooped out on me this weekend. As in...it won't turn on anymore. It's okay. I have a magical tiny wonder called an eeePC that is a VERY basic netbook but functions beautifully for school. I'm still going to need something for movies/music/etc, but we'll deal with that later (and when I have more funds...ha!)
3. Money is ever frustrating. But I'm in college without a job (YES my theatre jobs count but they don't pay for too much more than the amount I spend on gas getting to rehearsal) so what can you do?
4. I'm working at Dallas Children's Theater this summer. I am so excited! Bliss! I might also try to help out at DBC or St. John's...looking into it.
5. Next NYC excursion? Last week in July, baby! And this time, I'm bringing the spacepod (my soulmates.) Can't ask for a better birthday present than that!!
6. General grief shenangians are still sucking my soul. And it is still a rollercoaster. Whoever said things would even out neglected to mention that it would take a long, long time for that to happen. There are still mornings I don't want to get out of bed. There are still times in class where I just start getting teary for no apparent reason. I still lack motivation for everyday tasks. I figure these things will pass, but I also know now that it will be a long time before that happens. In the meantime, I'm proud of myself when I can just make it to class, do the work, and put one foot in front of the other.
7. Friends are shifting. I've sort of found my way (well, got a toe in) a group of people I flat out adore. These people are tolerant of incessant texting, lovers of all things artistic, and big dreamers. Also (and perhaps most importantly) I can't stop laughing around them. I am very, very lucky. I am so happy to have found them.
8. For those who were keeping up, I lost "best featured actress in a musical-equity" in the Column Awards for my showstopping performance as third Dog from the left in The King and I. I was tragically crushed, but I'll somehow move on. (Dripping with sarcasm here, guys.)
9. Thank you for reading this. It's not always fun and it's certainly not always inspiring! Thanks for letting me get some of the thoughts out.
Farewell all!
Here's what's new:
1. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels started. It is heavenly bliss every single night. I love the score, I love the production team, and I love the people. These are good people. Good hearts, great talent. They are keeping me more than sane. I forgot what it was like to be in a show...or to have a reassurance that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. In all honesty, this isn't really reassuring that this is what I'm supposed to be doing; I feel like I'm the least talented person in the show (there's a good chance this isn't me just being self-deprecating.) However, I haven't been as happy as I am in rehearsal in ages and that reassures me that all the drama to procure this show was entirely worthwhile. Musical theatre is real theatre. Dallas theatre is real theatre. Is it always good in either case? Nope. But SMU theatre isn't always good theatre either so everyone just needs to chill out and try being supportive. Mazeltov!
2. My toshiba (I have another not-so-friendly name for it...but we're not going to go there) from Hockaday that's 6 years old officially pooped out on me this weekend. As in...it won't turn on anymore. It's okay. I have a magical tiny wonder called an eeePC that is a VERY basic netbook but functions beautifully for school. I'm still going to need something for movies/music/etc, but we'll deal with that later (and when I have more funds...ha!)
3. Money is ever frustrating. But I'm in college without a job (YES my theatre jobs count but they don't pay for too much more than the amount I spend on gas getting to rehearsal) so what can you do?
4. I'm working at Dallas Children's Theater this summer. I am so excited! Bliss! I might also try to help out at DBC or St. John's...looking into it.
5. Next NYC excursion? Last week in July, baby! And this time, I'm bringing the spacepod (my soulmates.) Can't ask for a better birthday present than that!!
6. General grief shenangians are still sucking my soul. And it is still a rollercoaster. Whoever said things would even out neglected to mention that it would take a long, long time for that to happen. There are still mornings I don't want to get out of bed. There are still times in class where I just start getting teary for no apparent reason. I still lack motivation for everyday tasks. I figure these things will pass, but I also know now that it will be a long time before that happens. In the meantime, I'm proud of myself when I can just make it to class, do the work, and put one foot in front of the other.
7. Friends are shifting. I've sort of found my way (well, got a toe in) a group of people I flat out adore. These people are tolerant of incessant texting, lovers of all things artistic, and big dreamers. Also (and perhaps most importantly) I can't stop laughing around them. I am very, very lucky. I am so happy to have found them.
8. For those who were keeping up, I lost "best featured actress in a musical-equity" in the Column Awards for my showstopping performance as third Dog from the left in The King and I. I was tragically crushed, but I'll somehow move on. (Dripping with sarcasm here, guys.)
9. Thank you for reading this. It's not always fun and it's certainly not always inspiring! Thanks for letting me get some of the thoughts out.
Farewell all!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My Dreams are Bigger Than I Am
Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed by my ambition that I can't breathe. It all seems so incredibly out of reach and unrealistic. I feel like a talent fraud, you know? I have this paralyzing fear that people will get to know me and then realize that I secretly am worthless and have nothing to offer. But then I have these baby assurances, and amazing friends who tell me otherwise and--for a moment--I believe them and think it will all be okay. This morning, I'm overwhelmed by my dreams but not afraid of them. This morning I'm delusional enough to think they'll come true.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Reminder
Being academic is not synonymous with being intelligent.
In case you were wondering.
That's all.
In case you were wondering.
That's all.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
we're at 38
Unless I've missed some (which is entirely possible) here's the current list:
Annie get your gun
Music man
Oklahoma
Swing
Fosse
Les mis
Spring awakening x2
November
Hair x2
Next to normal
33 variations
Exit the king
Mary poppins
Rent
Wedding singer
Drowsy chaperone x2
Love, Loss, and What I Wore
Night Music
Addams Family
Behanding in Spokane
9 to 5
Fela
Time Stands Still
In the Heights
Spamalot
Looped
View from the Bridge
Ragtime
Hairspray
Jersey Boys
West Side Story
Gypsy
42nd Street
Lend Me A Tenor
Next Fall
I'm leaving at 38. In July it'll go to 45!!!
Annie get your gun
Music man
Oklahoma
Swing
Fosse
Les mis
Spring awakening x2
November
Hair x2
Next to normal
33 variations
Exit the king
Mary poppins
Rent
Wedding singer
Drowsy chaperone x2
Love, Loss, and What I Wore
Night Music
Addams Family
Behanding in Spokane
9 to 5
Fela
Time Stands Still
In the Heights
Spamalot
Looped
View from the Bridge
Ragtime
Hairspray
Jersey Boys
West Side Story
Gypsy
42nd Street
Lend Me A Tenor
Next Fall
I'm leaving at 38. In July it'll go to 45!!!
200th Post
I am so enamored of this city.
Betcha didn't know that, did you?
Seriously, though. Project rejuvenation and catharsis has been a wild success thus far. I cannot wait to live here. The city doesn't scare me anymore--getting work does, though.
So far I've seen Fela--amazing costumes and choreography, but it's a hot mess of a narrative/functional show and it is terribly structured. I will be an angry, angry faux New Yorker/theatregoer if it wins Best Musical
Valerie Harper in Looped--i love me some Tallulah Bankhead, and I LOVE me some Valerie Harper. Some of you know this, but I have a huge thing for old school sitcoms--the first one I became addicted to was the Mary Tyler Moore show. And I LOVE Rhoda (the character, not her sitcom.) Anyway, Valerie was gorgeous and fabulous and every bit worthy of a Tony nom.
Addams Family Musical--Nathan Lane, Bebe Neuwirth, Carolee Carmello, Terrence Mann, Krysta Rodriguez, Jackie Hoffman... (How may Broadway stars can YOU cram into a musical?) At any rate, the show's definitely flawed..a couple numbers don't really work and I really disliked Bebe Neuwirth's performance (surprisingly) but (even more surprisngly) I LOVED the show. I found it entertaining and I loved the sets/score. Plus, the cast was unreal. Second time to see Nathan Lane...saw him in November (ewww) two years ago. He was brilliant as Gomez.
Tonight, I'm seeing Christopher Walken, Sam Rockwell, and Zoe Kazan (all whom I love) in A Behanding in Spokane. Tomorrow I'm seeing Laura Linney, Eric Bogosian, Brian D'Arcy James, and Alicia Silverstone in Time Stands Still. Very excited about that one. Not sure about Saturday's show--gotta see what matinees are happening.
Anyway, it's been quite the triumphant excursion. I am, however, exhausted. Definitely a trip. Definitely not a vacation!
Betcha didn't know that, did you?
Seriously, though. Project rejuvenation and catharsis has been a wild success thus far. I cannot wait to live here. The city doesn't scare me anymore--getting work does, though.
So far I've seen Fela--amazing costumes and choreography, but it's a hot mess of a narrative/functional show and it is terribly structured. I will be an angry, angry faux New Yorker/theatregoer if it wins Best Musical
Valerie Harper in Looped--i love me some Tallulah Bankhead, and I LOVE me some Valerie Harper. Some of you know this, but I have a huge thing for old school sitcoms--the first one I became addicted to was the Mary Tyler Moore show. And I LOVE Rhoda (the character, not her sitcom.) Anyway, Valerie was gorgeous and fabulous and every bit worthy of a Tony nom.
Addams Family Musical--Nathan Lane, Bebe Neuwirth, Carolee Carmello, Terrence Mann, Krysta Rodriguez, Jackie Hoffman... (How may Broadway stars can YOU cram into a musical?) At any rate, the show's definitely flawed..a couple numbers don't really work and I really disliked Bebe Neuwirth's performance (surprisingly) but (even more surprisngly) I LOVED the show. I found it entertaining and I loved the sets/score. Plus, the cast was unreal. Second time to see Nathan Lane...saw him in November (ewww) two years ago. He was brilliant as Gomez.
Tonight, I'm seeing Christopher Walken, Sam Rockwell, and Zoe Kazan (all whom I love) in A Behanding in Spokane. Tomorrow I'm seeing Laura Linney, Eric Bogosian, Brian D'Arcy James, and Alicia Silverstone in Time Stands Still. Very excited about that one. Not sure about Saturday's show--gotta see what matinees are happening.
Anyway, it's been quite the triumphant excursion. I am, however, exhausted. Definitely a trip. Definitely not a vacation!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
rejuvenation
Today (hopefully) marks the beginning of a cathartic rejuvenation. If you've been following me at all, you know that I've had a rather hellacious 2010--namely losing Grandmama--favorite person, role model, mentor, alter ego, other mother, and best friend. There are (as you know) days where I haven't been able to get out of bed. There have been days when the slightest irritation is a catalyst for immense anger and frustration. This is not how I desire to live. People are always "happiness is a choice." People, you're wrong. I have chosen to be happy through the first two months of this year and had it end in abysmal failure. This is something larger than me. This is something I cannot control.
What I can control is an overall effort to be better--to, on the days that I can, put one foot in front of the other, rejoice in small blessings, and embrace the multitude of opportunities I've been given. These two months have uncovered who my true friends are--who can handle the venting, the crying, the shutdown, and the unnecessary anger, and who can pick me up and lift my spirits. To all of you who fall in the aforementioned category, thank you and I love you. I know it is not easy to be my friend right now and I appreciate that you know this isn't me and you know I'm trying. I will be more than happy to return the favor if or when something falls apart in your lives (which, let's face it, is just inevitable at some point.)
Right now, I'm on a plane miles high in the sky. I have a very romantic view of travel; this is one of the reasons I am so enamored of Up in the Air. I love new beginnings, adventure, exploration, possibilities (but not necessarily uncertainty), and a vaguely unsketched agenda. I love being surrounded by strangers, and then finding my friends at the end of it.
In twenty minutes, I touch down in gorgeous Manhattan. A perfect 55 degrees, partly cloudy, and a week full of theatrical previews. (For the non-theatre folk--a show enters 2ish weeks of previews before opening officially on Broadway. Because professional rehearsal periods are so short, a lot can change in previews before opening.) Today, I choose rejuvenation. I choose unexplored possibilities. I choose to uncover more beautiful nuances in the landscape of my favorite place. I choose to challenge myself as a critic and actress. I choose progress and I choose change.
I've got my purse, a messenger bag (stuffed with clothes), my Texan girl cowboy boots, a 1940s vintage coat from a friend, and Manhattan's skyline. I'm good to go.
What I can control is an overall effort to be better--to, on the days that I can, put one foot in front of the other, rejoice in small blessings, and embrace the multitude of opportunities I've been given. These two months have uncovered who my true friends are--who can handle the venting, the crying, the shutdown, and the unnecessary anger, and who can pick me up and lift my spirits. To all of you who fall in the aforementioned category, thank you and I love you. I know it is not easy to be my friend right now and I appreciate that you know this isn't me and you know I'm trying. I will be more than happy to return the favor if or when something falls apart in your lives (which, let's face it, is just inevitable at some point.)
Right now, I'm on a plane miles high in the sky. I have a very romantic view of travel; this is one of the reasons I am so enamored of Up in the Air. I love new beginnings, adventure, exploration, possibilities (but not necessarily uncertainty), and a vaguely unsketched agenda. I love being surrounded by strangers, and then finding my friends at the end of it.
In twenty minutes, I touch down in gorgeous Manhattan. A perfect 55 degrees, partly cloudy, and a week full of theatrical previews. (For the non-theatre folk--a show enters 2ish weeks of previews before opening officially on Broadway. Because professional rehearsal periods are so short, a lot can change in previews before opening.) Today, I choose rejuvenation. I choose unexplored possibilities. I choose to uncover more beautiful nuances in the landscape of my favorite place. I choose to challenge myself as a critic and actress. I choose progress and I choose change.
I've got my purse, a messenger bag (stuffed with clothes), my Texan girl cowboy boots, a 1940s vintage coat from a friend, and Manhattan's skyline. I'm good to go.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'd Missed Being Happy
I really had the loveliest day today. My two morning classes were cancelled, I had afternoon class, visited with some of the kids in my class, then played showtunes on the baby grand at Hockaday for three hours. I'm really satisfied and happy. It feels so good.
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