Some Clarifications [Or Why I Love My Job]

It's a Monday, but delightfully enough it doesn't entirely feel like one.  I wasn't jumping out of my bed to get to school or anything, but the usual dread and fear that accompanies my 7AM alarm wasn't present this morning.  Baby steps.

I'm still trying to sort out my summer and a way to get to London in the near future.  Let's face it: my obsession with New York is officially unhealthy and I desperately need to broaden my horizons.  (Whatevs. I'm still going in July.)  We know I'm doing Dirty Rotten Scoundrels in May (though I need a job-job for that month) and Bye Bye Birdie at Lyric (did I mention that? I'm really excited...) in June.  July/August are very, very up in the air.  I'm working all July at the Dallas Childrens Theater, but I don't know if I'm doing a show then.  We'll know by next week.  Definitely not holding my breath for anything.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is still going absolutely beautifully.  We did music all this week (and some principles/all ensemble is entirely off book for all of the music in the show already!) and last night we began choreography.  Last night was a glorious return to the post-dance rehearsal sweat and exhaustion.  I loved that my body ached all over.  I loved that my feet had blisters.  I missed that feeling so much.  This show is totally saving me.  I am so lucky.  Really, I am.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how suited I am to this lifestyle.  I'm irresponsible in some ways as far as everyday tasks, but I'm extremely dedicated and devoted to responsibilities in my job.  I love the rush of not knowing what my job exactly will be the next month (or if I will have one at all.)  I love the competition.  I love finding examples of what I aspire to be.  I love being a chorus girl. 

[enter tangent]

Friends and family, I know you think that having a role equates to something better than ensemble (and in some cases it does.)  But honestly, there is little I would rather be doing.  The ensemble is generally onstage more than each individual principle, they get to dance, they sing, they play a whole variety of roles in one show.  They inevitably get to perform the best numbers in the show.  This isn't saying that there aren't roles I want to play.  Peggy Sawyer?  Sally Bowles?  Janet Vandergraff? Penny Pingleton? Millie Dillmount? Little Sally? Susan/Heidi in TOS? Kathy Selden? Polly Baker? Even roles I am too old for/almost too old for--Anybodys? Louise Bigelow? Liesl Von Trapp?  Yeah, I could go on.  I definitely have my dream roles.  But if you notice...most of my dream roles are chorus girls who somehow got a chance.  (And thus, I am enamored of just about everybody in A Chorus Line)  People always ask me who I'm playing in the show...
"Oh wow! You got cast? That's great! What role are you playing?"
"Ensemble...Oh, but it's a relatively small ensemble.." (As if I have to qualify it.)
"Oh, well I mean, you're still new to theater and the community.  I'm sure you'll start getting roles soon." (As if they have to sympahize.)

Guys, you totally don't.  I genuinely love it.  There are some theatres (cough, cough *Lyric Stage* cough) where I would be ecstatic to be fourth spear carrier from the left.  (I mean, let's be honest, I wrote an entire piece on how excited I was to be third mask-wearing, squatting dog in The King and I.)  So when people ask me what roles I'm going for, I kind of just laugh.  I could maybe score some big roles I'm totally inappropriate for in not-so-great productions of musicals, but I would so much rather be completely insignificant in a fantastic, well-done production of a beautiful show.  I am still new.  I am still too young for most leading/supporting ladies.  I still read 17.  I still dislike my voice.  (Yeah, anyone who's worked with me knows my complex about this.)  But I also went to a hyperactive school full of legitimate geniuses, crazy-talents, and girls who inevitably will cure cancer and become the first female presidents.  You're bound to have an inferiority complex.

At any rate, I am GLORIOUSLY happy to spend my life singing, dancing, and waving my arms about enthusiastically for the next three months in Dirty Rotten and Birdie.  I don't really aspire to much more than the chorus (and all my SMU friends/comrades are probably wondering why the heck I'm in an acting BFA program now) as a performer.  My dream of all dreams is to tour in the chorus or be in a b'way chorus.  Life would be complete.  And then I would live in some closet in the City and write and travel and direct and critique.  (We're getting ahead of ourselves.)

Basically, I am happy just where I am.  I still have to pinch myself occasionally and marvel at how lucky I am to be doing something daily that I passionately love.  To anyone who reads this who had any part in this (I can't even begin to name you all...the list of people who have changed my life in the last year and a half--or even longer [Beth Wortley, Susan Hubbard, BonnieJean, Mr. Long, Mama Welch]--is endless...but you can refer to my Christmas thank you lists and you're likely on there!) thank you, thank you, thank you.  I appreciate it more than I can adquately express.

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.” - Mitch Albom