I Can Only Think

I can only think that this weather is a result of God's pity for our loss.  Grandmama told me she loved me and that I was beautiful today, waved a little wave, and smiled at me.  For all practical purposes, she's now gone.  She's hanging on, but has stopped speaking and responding.

It's really not registering to me.

How can it be that someone who tromped about Boston with me three years ago and came to Sanders Family Christmas last month is dying?  And why does it have to be her?

I can't think of a soul on this earth who is more compassionate, giving, or affectionate.  When she dies, she will really be where she belongs: in heaven, as an angel.
It terrifies and saddens me that there will soon be only one Katharine Gentsch in the world--what a lofty legacy she leaves me.

She smiled and complimented people until her very last word; I only pray I will be that gracious as I leave this earth.  The world has suffered a huge loss today, and it is bearing very heavily on me.  I loved my grandmama more than anyone else on this planet and I cannot fathom going through anything more painful than what I'm feeling right now.

Tonight I open Show Boat.  It will be the first show/dance recital/piano recital/choir performance in my life that I have invited grandmama to and she has not attended.  I am completely crushed, but so grateful and amazed that she supported me through so much.  Grandmama taught me in choir, brought me to Sunday School, helped me with homework on Tuesday nights for years, babysat me, gave me candy and made me food for high school finals, invited my Jewish best friends over for Christmas and made stockings for them, prayed for people hours upon hours every day, and loved her family more than anything in the world.  There is nowhere I would rather be than with her.

To understand this loss, you have to have known her.  Incidentally, nearly all of my best friends for the past twenty years have.  And they know.  She was the epitome of unearthly kindess--the embodiment of a Julie Andrews-esque graciousness and beauty.

She really is gorgeous, but she never thought she was.  Her humility is unparalleled.

I discovered a quote by Phyllis Theroux not too long ago that seems extremely fitting for my relationship with my beloved boo (my name for grandmama, along with "uno" for being the first Katharine Gentsch)--

"We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me."

Though we are vastly different people, Grandmama always loved me and made that very clear to me every instant I was around her.  Her warmth was infectious.  She supported all my crazy mischievous plans for excursions, all the majors I vascillated between, and many fashion and hair disasters.  She always told me I was beautiful.  If she thought so, no one else's opinion particularly mattered.

Christmas won't be the same without her.  Birthdays won't be the same without her.  When I get cast in a show, I can't immediately call and brag to her, knowing she is my biggest fan and cheerleader.  I do find solace that she was happy where she was going--and that she was so happy to see her mother again in heaven.  Death seems a little less scary to me now, knowing that I'll have Grandmama to greet me whenever that time comes.

I love you and miss you already, sweet Grandmama, and only hope that I can somehow make you proud.  If I even have a tenth of the compassion and warmth for others that this woman had, I will consider my life a success.

-[Katharine] Dos

long days

Yesterday was not so much fun. Busy and stressful. No class today (which I am immensely grateful for) and I was supposed to see August: Osage County this afternoon but I may only be able to see half because of callbacks. PS: I'm REALLY excited about that. Nervous, but excited.

Not feeling good about school this semester. I'm quite ready to get out. But you already knew that.

Coping

"There are many Beths in the world, shy and quiet, sitting in corners till needed, and living for others so cheerfully that no one sees the sacrifices till the little cricket on the hearth stops chirping, and the sweet, sunshiny presence vanishes, leaving silence and shadow behind."

I can feel myself aging.  It's silly sounding, but I am so painfully aware of my becoming an adult very rapidly, and it is terrifying.  I've dealt with what may be deemed more adult matters at a very young age--and understood that in some regards I matured more quickly than most children.  I have a very bright spirit.  I am incredibly enthusiastic by nature.  I will never stop being passionate, but I fee like my enthusiasm occasionally wanes.  My heart feels bruised right now and it does not know how to send out the light it normally has.  Small things upset me and I am having trouble becoming excited about things that usually brighten my day.  I always feel like and identify with Jo March, but I especially do now.  I yearn to travel and write great books.  I crave adventure and drama.  But I love my family more than anything and seeing one of them is pain is more than I can bear.

I don't know how to cope or find comfort, except in the solace of family and friends.  I have a lot of friends, but I need the ones I've adopted as family particularly right now.  I don't know how to make this okay.

People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened. My store is closing this week. I own a store, did I ever tell you that? It's a lovely store, and in a week it'll be something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. Soon, it'll be just a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my mother has died all over again, and no one can ever make it right.

I have always known this was going to be hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life. My absolute favorite part of this world which I love more than anything or anyone is slowly being taken away from me, and I feel like a part of my soul's life is being sucked away and part of my spirit and light is dying. If I don't seem myself over the next few months, this is why. I am a deeply private person, but know that I'm going through a hard time and I could use a couple of shoulders to lean on. Love you all.

anticipatory stress

I do not want to:
1. go back to school
2. leave the mountains
3. work in the scene shop
(fourkeydoesn'twork). be in Dallas. kind of.
5. clean the pool
6. be around college aged people all the time
7. have my self esteem beaten down daily
8. be so stressed I can barely function
9. psych myself out over auditions
10. have no money
11. be rejected

I do want to:
1. see my dog
2. see my grandmother
3. see the rest of my family
(four). start voice lessons again
5. start showboat
6. audition for the whole spring--and explore those possibilities. (livin on a dream and a prayer, man)
7. be in my beautiful apartment with my beautiful keyboard

I'm going to try to live in NYC for three weeks in July.  Sublet and share with Sarah. Audition my butt off.  See what I need to learn.


What I'm going to work on:
1. my writing
2. violin
3. following through
four. responsibilities
5. be the best friend I can be
6. visit my grandmother as much as humanly possible
7. love on my puppy dog
8. get along with my sister
9. griping about smu to smu people.

Prayers, people. I need 'em.

I'm Not Dead (Yet)

I'm just without a computer and easy access to blogger....


Basically I was in NYC for a week.

Shows seen: A Little Night Music, Ragtime, Love, Loss and What I Wore, Finian's Rainbow, A View from the Bridge, and In the Next Room.  All in all, very successful trip to the city.
Celebrities Seen: Cheyenne Jackson, Steph J. Block, Anthony Rapp, Carol Kane, Blythe Danner, Scarlett Johannson, Laura Benanti, Catherine Zeta Jones, Angela Lansbury, Katie Finneran....There may be more...I'll repost if they come to me
Friends seen: Basically all of them that live in NYC.
Random amazing experience: Hearing Kristin Dausch sing at open mike at New World Stages. Incredible.

I'm in Colorado now.  Spent the last night in a three story enormous cabin in Breckinridge.  All windows, fireplace, magic, a gazillion people, lots of food, lots of drinks.

More later