I Can Only Think

I can only think that this weather is a result of God's pity for our loss.  Grandmama told me she loved me and that I was beautiful today, waved a little wave, and smiled at me.  For all practical purposes, she's now gone.  She's hanging on, but has stopped speaking and responding.

It's really not registering to me.

How can it be that someone who tromped about Boston with me three years ago and came to Sanders Family Christmas last month is dying?  And why does it have to be her?

I can't think of a soul on this earth who is more compassionate, giving, or affectionate.  When she dies, she will really be where she belongs: in heaven, as an angel.
It terrifies and saddens me that there will soon be only one Katharine Gentsch in the world--what a lofty legacy she leaves me.

She smiled and complimented people until her very last word; I only pray I will be that gracious as I leave this earth.  The world has suffered a huge loss today, and it is bearing very heavily on me.  I loved my grandmama more than anyone else on this planet and I cannot fathom going through anything more painful than what I'm feeling right now.

Tonight I open Show Boat.  It will be the first show/dance recital/piano recital/choir performance in my life that I have invited grandmama to and she has not attended.  I am completely crushed, but so grateful and amazed that she supported me through so much.  Grandmama taught me in choir, brought me to Sunday School, helped me with homework on Tuesday nights for years, babysat me, gave me candy and made me food for high school finals, invited my Jewish best friends over for Christmas and made stockings for them, prayed for people hours upon hours every day, and loved her family more than anything in the world.  There is nowhere I would rather be than with her.

To understand this loss, you have to have known her.  Incidentally, nearly all of my best friends for the past twenty years have.  And they know.  She was the epitome of unearthly kindess--the embodiment of a Julie Andrews-esque graciousness and beauty.

She really is gorgeous, but she never thought she was.  Her humility is unparalleled.

I discovered a quote by Phyllis Theroux not too long ago that seems extremely fitting for my relationship with my beloved boo (my name for grandmama, along with "uno" for being the first Katharine Gentsch)--

"We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence, Grandmother was that person to me."

Though we are vastly different people, Grandmama always loved me and made that very clear to me every instant I was around her.  Her warmth was infectious.  She supported all my crazy mischievous plans for excursions, all the majors I vascillated between, and many fashion and hair disasters.  She always told me I was beautiful.  If she thought so, no one else's opinion particularly mattered.

Christmas won't be the same without her.  Birthdays won't be the same without her.  When I get cast in a show, I can't immediately call and brag to her, knowing she is my biggest fan and cheerleader.  I do find solace that she was happy where she was going--and that she was so happy to see her mother again in heaven.  Death seems a little less scary to me now, knowing that I'll have Grandmama to greet me whenever that time comes.

I love you and miss you already, sweet Grandmama, and only hope that I can somehow make you proud.  If I even have a tenth of the compassion and warmth for others that this woman had, I will consider my life a success.

-[Katharine] Dos