Yesterday, I felt like there was so much going on in my head that I was going to explode.
Today, I feel nothing.
I remember--after Brendan died--wondering when there would be a day when he wasn't the first thing I thought about, when I could drive by HPUMC and not think about his funeral, when I could see his sister in Chinese class and not see him. This is going to be worse.
I can't find a desire to accomplish anything. That, in and of itself, is scary to me. I thrive on goals and success. I woke up this morning and just sat. And didn't think about anything. And hurt.
My normal escapes (spending time with friends, watching favorite 90s films) are only sort of working. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for my friends and all they've done for me. Truett is seriously a godsend. Bayla, Kim, and Laura have all regularly called to check in on the situation, and people I barely even know have given me messages and cards. Loss is a really human thing. People get it.
That said, it's still something somewhat new to me, and I am not handling it well. My desire last week to live life normally and accomplish as much as possible is gone. Now I just want to sleep.
Sorry for the super duper angsty post. Hopefully normal Katharine will return shortly. Any advice on how to make that happen is greatly appreciated.
BTW--grandmama woke up after that last post (surprise!) she sleeps mostly now, but occasionally wakes up and smiles. Love that woman.
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