I keep repeating to myself "Grandmama's dead" and it surprises me every single time. At the mall shopping for funeral clothes. The mall is miserable. Valentine's Day+All Star Game (and celebs roaming around) makes for a ridiculously chaotic north park.
Dad says this is going to become a landmark in my personal history and establish the end of my childhood. Ie "oh, that was before Grandmama died..." "Well, Grandmama was still alive then..." I believe him. It's still such a huge concept, though, that I'm having a hard time digesting it.
I think that's really the problem with all of this--even though she was really sick for three weeks (and it was literally all I thought about) I am still in absolute shock and despair. My body/mind have never had to deal with feelings and events this huge before. It's kind of terrifying. I'm a control freak. I'm a perfectionist. I NEED to be in control.
I really just need Grandmama to still be here.
All this said, I'm extremely grateful for blogging. Seriously, though. Writing is part of my way of digesting. Yeah, I'm spilling my guts out on the internet and yeah, you get a really intimate view of how I'm coping with this, but it's really helping me. When my parents were going through the divorce and I didn't talk about it, I was in big trouble. Completely lost and without control. When I started writing and talking and getting it out, I was able to rationalize and compartmentalize the events. It wasn't some giant overwhelming nebulous cloud of confusion and hurt--it was a story and it made sense. And then it was okay.
Anyway, all this to say I'm grateful for the www, the blog, and you lovely readers/friends. It is all really quite helpful.
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