Vienna Waits For You

So it's my nineteenth birthday. I'm basically still a baby. My birthday is always a bit of a letdown just because I've always been young for my age (well, obviously...your birthday doesn't change) but my friends in my class and above are all starting to turn 21 while I'm just now out of the age of 18.

The thing is, I'm not dreading 19. Everyone says it's boring. It's bland. Nothing happens when you're 19. That may be true, but it's not like eighteen was particularly amazing and that's considered a more "important year." I think the new year is when you're supposed to have a time of reflection etc, but can't you have it on your birthday too? A year has passed in my life. What did I do while I was eighteen?
1. Went to Paris
2. Went to Rhodes
3. Did the whole a cappella, student government, sorority, etc thing
4. Went to NYC, Chicago, Alabama, and Dallas (and Memphis, obviously)
5. was in Damn Yankees

I went through yet another phase where I thought I could make myself look good tan (I can't) and a phase where I thought I could be a sorority girl (I can't) or a partier (on the rare, rare occasion) and in love with Tennessee (not particularly) and more excited about Rhodes than I started out the summer before (didn't really do that either.)

I realize this seems glum and gloomy, and I really am highlighting the negative points (there's no getting around how amazing Paris, NYC, and Chicago were and how much darn fun I had in Damn Yankees this summer), but 17 definitely outdid 18. And I'm hoping that 19 at least falls somewhere in between.

This summer started off well, but a little nervous. I left Rhodes feeling more relieved than sad and that worried me. As I crossed the Mississippi, I looked behind my shoulder at the bridge and the Memphis skyline, and I literally felt so at peace. This makes me sound like a Memphis/Rhodes hater. I'm not. I promise. But the thing is, as the summer progressed, I got more and more anxious about going back.

I didn't want to major in theatre at Rhodes. That left Music in English. To quote Avenue Q, "What do you do with a B.A. in English"? (The song progresses into a giant chorus of "It sucks to be me, and lets be honest, we want to avoid that fate if we can) and majoring only in Music at Rhodes would have made me essentially a music theorist. Well, Music Theory is NOT my calling. I am terrible at it and I hate it. I want to perform.

Admitting to yourself that you have to be a performer is terrifying. It's like identifying with yourself a part of you that you always knew was there but didn't REALLY know was there. Does that make any sense? Look at it this way: it's a lifestyle. It's not just one part of you, it can make up all of you. It changes where you want to live, who you want to be with, what friends you want to have, and how you're defined as a person. It changes the way you spend your time, how you dream for the future, and it's one of the riskiest careers out there. You're basically destined to live in a box in NYC in the middle of nowhere, commute everyday to auditions, miserably be rejected 10000x and then start again.

The further the summer progressed, the more anxious I got thinking about returning to Rhodes. I got an email from my sorority announcing the theme of bid day, "KD Country Club." The sorority allowed me to meet great people, but KD Country Club? Really? "Girls, bring out your best Lilly Pulitzer and J Crew?" I don't think so. Student Government would have been great, but again I was nervous about the arts. It seemed like a theatre takeover. The theatre faculty took over my favorite parts of Rhodes--the music department and CODA.

Then, showtime came around and all these fabulous kids who were pursuing arts careers were perfectly happy at their little arts schools. I cracked. I confessed to my mother that I was a thespian (ha, ha, ha. just to continue the joke) and we concluded that it's absurd to pay as much as we are for a school that I have lukewarm feelings toward and can't major in what I want to.

And so, dear friends (and I'm sorry if you're hearing it for the first time here), I'm not going back in the fall. Rhodes has been a remarkable experience, and technically I'm only taking a leave, but this leave is for me to a) get general education requirements out of the way b) cool off/re-focus c) prepare for auditions around town (to get as much experience as possible) and find the school that is really right for me. Not the school that worked out financially, seemed the safest, or the one closest to home (though these three things may surprisingly work out better in round two.)

Pursuing musical theatre is crazy. It's a hard thing to say, hey, guess what, I'm dropping everything at Rhodes to pursue my dreams of being on Broadway and now I'm taking classes at junior college. (Though hopefully from this blog you understand that's not what it's about)

And can we just take a second to observe the mascots I've gone through?

I was a crusader, a killer daisy, a lynx (the tiniest, most unintimidating wildcat EVER which would explain rhodes lack of prowess in sports, and a thunderduck now. Really?)

Anyway, I need happy thoughts, prayers, luck, advice, or whatever you're willing to give me. This is a pretty big deal for me. I feel good about this, but I still have moments of doubt and freakouts. To all the friends and family I've already talked to about this, I cannot begin to express how incredibly thankful I am for your endless support. You all have been amazing:)